Posts tagged ‘loss’

September 10, 2010

Losing and Gaining (Drina)

Here is a testimony Drina gave to us about a year ago about God restoring a specific area of her heart…Thanks for including us on what God has done in you Drina!

August 2009

Well, there’s a long and short version of what God is and has been doing in me.  I feel like it’s important to share the big picture.  I will try to nutshell it as much as I can.

Here’s a little background.  I had a good upbringing, nice parents who were very much in love, not perfect but I was very loved, and I have a good family.  When I was 17 my mom died of cancer.  She was sick for about a year and a half. I was her primary caregiver since my brother and sister were older and already out of the house and my dad worked nights.  I watched my beautiful mom become a shell of who she was on the outside.  Cancer stole her body but not her spirit, she fought til the end, she was 41.  My dad had a difficult time with my mom’s death and it was all he could do to keep himself together so I learned to take care of him and myself at the same time.  He never really recovered from her death and became more of a buddy to me than a parent.

About 5 years ago, both my dad and my grandpa checked into the hospital together to be treated for pnuemonia (my dad moved in with my grandpa after my grandma passed away).  It was then that we found out my dad had terminal cancer.  He was 62.  The time from his diagnosis until his death was 6 weeks.  My sister and I, with the help of our brother, cared for my dad in my sister’s home with the assistance of hospice, we all 3 did it together.  My grandpa passed away 2 weeks before my dad.  That whole experience brought a lot of pain but also healing and is an amazing testimony in itself of how God was there for me and for us, but to be shared another time.

Last summer I flew to Florida to be there during the time leading up to my grandmother’s death (my mom’s mom).   I was leaned on a lot by my aunts and uncles since I’d experience caring for a loved one a few times.  I tell myself that I’m good at it.  I’m good at loss, I’m good in a crisis, I can think clearly and I can be strong for people when they can’t be strong for themselves.

After losing my dad, I spent a lot of time in the Word and the Lord kept pressing on me 2 things- that He would be both my mother and my father and that I would receive double the portion for what had been lost.  Just this week, I admitted to myself for the first time I had been trusting this whole time that the fulfillment of that promise was going to come in the form of a person, a man, a husband.  After believing that, and 5 years later my knight in shining armor has still not shown up yet? God must not be trustworthy.

Over the past few years, I’ve had a couple of disappointing relationships, some health issues and all things combined have shaken my faith to it’s core. My heart became very hard and I’ve had a pretty good case built against God.  I began to believe God has good things for some people, but for me, He has pain, loss and disappointment.  I learned when I was young to take care of myself because no one else would be there to do it for me.  I resorted back into that line of thinking when it came to God: “Don’t trust any longer because you don’t know where He may lead you and it may hurt…a lot.”

But I also remembered the good times I’d had with the Lord, the sweetness I’d experienced, and it left me torn. Which God is He?

At the women’s retreat, the focus was seeing the heart of God as a good Father, as being His “girlies”.  Talk about a laser pointed right at that old wounded spot of mine.  God reminded me He still has more to heal.  I struggle so much with allowing Him to care for me, to take care of me and to trust Him with my heart that He will protect it.    He keeps chipping away at me, reminding me of the truth of who He is.  It seems to be one step forward 2 steps back and sometimes I really feel like a turtle!  Maybe double the portion is double the portion of Himself?  And is that enough for me?  Some days, I can honestly say, yes!  More of you, Lord!  And other days, my answer is, um…I’d really like the knight in shining armor, please.  I’m still a work in progress 😉

love,

Drina

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